just letting you know

for anyone who cares im starting a sketch book at the bottom of this page so check it out.

Broken Inside

Well. All of my real life I have had this ability, to see through things. If I don't understand something I could always figure it out. Its hard to explain, I just had this need to know. No matter what I was doing at the time I could be contemplating something completely different. it was always good. I could accomplish things. its like this music in my head, this music that tells me everything I need to know, really what gives me faith has stopped playing. I just can't think. I have lost enjoyment in everything. somethings wrong and I don't know what it is. I used to be able to figure these things out. Well it was kind of an aid, it would help me, it would tell me what to pray about, where as now I sit ready for prayer and nothing comes to mind. its like I'm broken inside. It would lead me to God. It is how I felt before I was saved. It was such a distinked feeling that I can't froget. Now all I can feel is a fear that I will go back to old habbits. I need help and for the first time in my life it isn't avalable in Cold Lake.

I can't name this one

I don't understand why trusting in God is so difficult. When it comes to family, friends, even people I have never met before I have never had an issue with trust. I really cant think of a friend that I wouldn't trust with my life. Which brings the question: why don't I trust the only person who has truly earned the right to be trusted.



I lead a worship band. I really enjoy it but on top of everything else that God seems to be testing me with he still feels the need to critique my work here. It is probably just because this is where I need the most work. What buggs me more that anything is that all the musical experience that I have accumulated over the years is telling me that we as a band are doing every second thing wrong. The list of problems that I could rant for hours on don't really seem to matter to anyone. Every instinct of mine tells me that we suck but week after week I have people complement our worship, to be honest we don't deserve this thanks but somehow we recive it anyway. I'm not trying to get at the salvation story. Its that I am trying too hard and worrying over everything when it comes to worship. Even when I know im too tired to play it still sounds good. For some things, as it stands, I just cant trust him.



I realy hate myself for it.

My Search is over

Well what has happened in the last two weeks? i had a minor sergery shortly after my first blog, it wasnt anything worth commenting about. School is going better. Today i went and hung out with my ausome sister and all her ausomeness. (I'm in Calgary right now visiting family) We went and saw a musical that was quight good. we always have good chats. the biggest thing that has happened in the last two weeks is that i have found a mentor. Before my "unofficial mentor" was drake but now that he and his wife have split town i am left to fent for myself. after a halloween event i found myself overwelmed with things and a sence of self persicution. i think that i finaly realized that i couldnt do it alone. even just talking with someone helps. well anyway my mentor was probably the last person anyone would suspect because realy, we are quight oppisite people. anyway it is linsay toth and she is a cool person and realy easy to talk to and i think it is what God has lead me to. im tyered im going to bed.

by the way happy birthday lindsay

My Meaning of Worship

This is the talk that I will be speaking tonight for my youthgroup in regaurds to what worship is.

I guess that I have always known my role in the church. from the very begining when I first came to this youth group I knew where I would be today. I dont realy know what it was, there was this band who tallented... but it wasnt the band that impressed me. The songs were speaking to me. suddenly this love for music that I had never felt befor was consuming my life. I suddenly became more gifted with instrements. It was consuming my life. I know now that it wasnt a love for music, it was a love of worship. I no many of you may not be familiar with this concept and that is why I have asked to talk to you tonight. I would like to read you my favorite passage in the bible out of romans 12. It reads:

"1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

This is the message I belive we need to remember when we talk about worship. Worship is what we do to bring glory to God and by extention become closer to him. So when our "worship band" is playing in this sancuary what we are doing it using all our effort to worship God. But the reason we sing on a stage is to lead you... into this state of glorafing god. The next song we are going to sing is a song by Matt Redman called "Heart of Worship". It says "if all we bring you is a song, a song in itself is not what you require, you search much deeper within, than the way things appear. Your looking into my heart"

=It is not just a song. It is us bringing glory to our God=

My new life

once again i am making an atempt at a blog. this time it is mostly to try to keep up with friends that have left such as drake and kier. my organizational skills are getting slightly better and i am spending more time on the computer than i used to. since the last post many things have happeded so i have lots of stories to tell. for two months in the summer i was staying at bellview bible camp, it was good fun staying with old friends and i am exited as two of them are got engaged durring my stay there, and though elise did steal geoff from me i think that he will be much happier with her than he would be with our slightly more distorted relationship. the best of luck to them. there were two weeks in wich no one was there and without a car it did get pretty lonely. i did lead worship this year at jr teen and it went ausome. god blessed me with a band that was blessed with alot of tallent. i now see that all this was a start on a much more difficult task that was leading worship for our local youthgroup were everyone in our youthgroup is gifted but we are still short a drummer as well as a gutair dude and a male vocalist. but not to say it hasnt been working out, after a couple of weeks i got my prioritys straight and put god first in our music and in the end our music sounded the same in our minds but i gess god put us in the eyes of people with rose colored glasses. we have come a long way but we still have alot of work ahead of us. i now have a goal that god has givin me. i have decided to go to ambros univercity collage to studie a ministry. i feel that god has lead me to ministry, auc may not be where he leads me but the meens to get there is put on my heart. i belive this goal is what will give me good marks in school and i just pray that it will. these are the main things that have happened in my life. i am copping. we will see where it leads me.

The Events

hey everyone, sorry that I havent bloged in a while. the last three weeks have been quight busy.

I left you with the note that I was going to LYC. I would like for you to know that this year sucked, not because of the confrence cause that was great, but because of my youth group complaining that there was nothing to do. Last year I went to LYC with the vermilion group and even though I was an outsider they still made me feel as at home as possable, and it was probbable the best time that I have ever had. but this year all I heard from my youth group was stupid exuses not to go to any of the rallys. I took a walk around the sancuary and a saw the brotherhood and deep prayer, something that I found last year with the vermillion group but this year I had no one. my youth group found it stupid and decided that a McDonalds run would be more important all this while my pastor went to a Calgary Flames game. Now lets focus on whats good. There was a ausome worship band witch gave me great ideas for some worship songs. the speaker was real ausome and spoke with that Nooma tone. And the highlight of the weekend would have to be hanging out with my brother, I dont get to see him a whole lot but I have learned so much from him.

A week later I went to the Clapton concert and I must say it was ausome to see this guy play. It picked up after the first half an hour. I stayed in augestana dorms with Greg Ostertag and I would just like to say that I now realize why 80% of christians drop their faith in collage. So I would just like for poeple that are in none christian collages to be prayed for because I didnt realize how much temptation they deal with.

Monday and tuesday I had two 6 hour practice sessions with Owen Dargatz for this ausome concert on wednesday. I would like to thank everyone for comming out for mine and Drakes first paied gig. and for those who didnt come... ...well... ...you suck. It was ausome.

Anyways that is my late blog.