just letting you know

for anyone who cares im starting a sketch book at the bottom of this page so check it out.

Broken Inside

Well. All of my real life I have had this ability, to see through things. If I don't understand something I could always figure it out. Its hard to explain, I just had this need to know. No matter what I was doing at the time I could be contemplating something completely different. it was always good. I could accomplish things. its like this music in my head, this music that tells me everything I need to know, really what gives me faith has stopped playing. I just can't think. I have lost enjoyment in everything. somethings wrong and I don't know what it is. I used to be able to figure these things out. Well it was kind of an aid, it would help me, it would tell me what to pray about, where as now I sit ready for prayer and nothing comes to mind. its like I'm broken inside. It would lead me to God. It is how I felt before I was saved. It was such a distinked feeling that I can't froget. Now all I can feel is a fear that I will go back to old habbits. I need help and for the first time in my life it isn't avalable in Cold Lake.

I can't name this one

I don't understand why trusting in God is so difficult. When it comes to family, friends, even people I have never met before I have never had an issue with trust. I really cant think of a friend that I wouldn't trust with my life. Which brings the question: why don't I trust the only person who has truly earned the right to be trusted.



I lead a worship band. I really enjoy it but on top of everything else that God seems to be testing me with he still feels the need to critique my work here. It is probably just because this is where I need the most work. What buggs me more that anything is that all the musical experience that I have accumulated over the years is telling me that we as a band are doing every second thing wrong. The list of problems that I could rant for hours on don't really seem to matter to anyone. Every instinct of mine tells me that we suck but week after week I have people complement our worship, to be honest we don't deserve this thanks but somehow we recive it anyway. I'm not trying to get at the salvation story. Its that I am trying too hard and worrying over everything when it comes to worship. Even when I know im too tired to play it still sounds good. For some things, as it stands, I just cant trust him.



I realy hate myself for it.

My Search is over

Well what has happened in the last two weeks? i had a minor sergery shortly after my first blog, it wasnt anything worth commenting about. School is going better. Today i went and hung out with my ausome sister and all her ausomeness. (I'm in Calgary right now visiting family) We went and saw a musical that was quight good. we always have good chats. the biggest thing that has happened in the last two weeks is that i have found a mentor. Before my "unofficial mentor" was drake but now that he and his wife have split town i am left to fent for myself. after a halloween event i found myself overwelmed with things and a sence of self persicution. i think that i finaly realized that i couldnt do it alone. even just talking with someone helps. well anyway my mentor was probably the last person anyone would suspect because realy, we are quight oppisite people. anyway it is linsay toth and she is a cool person and realy easy to talk to and i think it is what God has lead me to. im tyered im going to bed.

by the way happy birthday lindsay