My Cloud is Moving

Over the past two months I have been working at BVBC. The past year my life has been full of anxiety and hurt. I had been pushed to my limates. For the longest time I felt that no good came from all of this hurt. This last couple of weeks me and Corey Anderson have been duscussing our second prepublished book. This one called "Ten Things I Hate About God" with the subtitle "and why it makes me love him more". Is it just me or is there anyone else that feels like shaking there fist at God in joyous anger sometimes? I imagine that when this book douse get published number 6 or 7 would be "I hate it when God dousent tell us what his plan is". And of course in the top three would be "I hate it when God makes us feel stupid by reveling us just how retarded our plans accually are". It suddenly occured to me that all the hurt that I went through this last year has been to prepair me for a new ministry. To be honest he probably told me straight up but I was too pig headed to listen. My mindset was "This sucks way too much for this to be from God". Im an idiot sometimes. So who knows where I am headed? "Oh God, your so silly"

Touch Base

Well, since I last blogged I have graduated high school, turned 18 and been at camp for a little over than a month. Here is where I am now. I am feeling pretty broken. I so desperatly want to go home and be with good company. Its not that I went anywhere its just on top of the friends that I lost that were fun to hang out with, I lost the friends who gave me emotional stabillity. I guess its been a little over a year since Drake and Carmen left. This was when the older guys in the youth lost connection. Shawn went up to Ft Mac a couple weeks ago with Travis. Shawn was always there. Any time I realy needed help I would just crash at his house. Geoff is always good to talk to but the distance dousent help. I have fallen so far over the last couple months. I realy want to go home. Im thinking Cold Lake has taught me all it can and is starting to corrupt me. So what I hope to do some time this year is put myself somewhere that will help. Deliver me to someone, somewhere. I dont think I can live here anymore. Im just waiting for God to show me the way.

David

I realy dont know where my place is in life. I love music, worship and leading. Is it right to assume that I should be a worship leader? I mean it is the gift God has given me so why shouldn't I? These are the questions that I have been asking myself lately. The last couple of months I have been feeling that I shouldnt be leading worship, but I dont know if I'm only saying this because its hard. I get on the stage and I have a hard enough time getting my own self into that state of worship. I completly froget that theres a congragation that I'm sposed to be leading. I always thought God has called me to worship, but now I'm not so sure. If theres anyone out there reading this i sure could use a talk. 5$ says that anyone that douse feel like talking to me about it wont be from Cold Lake. Have you ever felt that you were doing everything right but everything was actually going very wrong.

anyway on a good note I after a long time of searching for one i gave up and made my own bible study, consisting of me, David and Luke. I have a feeling that im not going to learn a whole lot. The years that I have been in a small group I realy havent learned anything. I always felt more like a teacher but whatever.

Iwould like to wright more but im tired so ill try to update soon

just letting you know

for anyone who cares im starting a sketch book at the bottom of this page so check it out.

Broken Inside

Well. All of my real life I have had this ability, to see through things. If I don't understand something I could always figure it out. Its hard to explain, I just had this need to know. No matter what I was doing at the time I could be contemplating something completely different. it was always good. I could accomplish things. its like this music in my head, this music that tells me everything I need to know, really what gives me faith has stopped playing. I just can't think. I have lost enjoyment in everything. somethings wrong and I don't know what it is. I used to be able to figure these things out. Well it was kind of an aid, it would help me, it would tell me what to pray about, where as now I sit ready for prayer and nothing comes to mind. its like I'm broken inside. It would lead me to God. It is how I felt before I was saved. It was such a distinked feeling that I can't froget. Now all I can feel is a fear that I will go back to old habbits. I need help and for the first time in my life it isn't avalable in Cold Lake.

I can't name this one

I don't understand why trusting in God is so difficult. When it comes to family, friends, even people I have never met before I have never had an issue with trust. I really cant think of a friend that I wouldn't trust with my life. Which brings the question: why don't I trust the only person who has truly earned the right to be trusted.



I lead a worship band. I really enjoy it but on top of everything else that God seems to be testing me with he still feels the need to critique my work here. It is probably just because this is where I need the most work. What buggs me more that anything is that all the musical experience that I have accumulated over the years is telling me that we as a band are doing every second thing wrong. The list of problems that I could rant for hours on don't really seem to matter to anyone. Every instinct of mine tells me that we suck but week after week I have people complement our worship, to be honest we don't deserve this thanks but somehow we recive it anyway. I'm not trying to get at the salvation story. Its that I am trying too hard and worrying over everything when it comes to worship. Even when I know im too tired to play it still sounds good. For some things, as it stands, I just cant trust him.



I realy hate myself for it.